Have you seen the new series of ads from Yoplait?
They’re sassy, acerbic takedowns of the Mommy Wars culture. The Mommy Wars are the single dumbest thing to emerge in American pop culture since JNCO jeans.
Mommy Wars are unproductive and mean. They set up different women with different goals and different kids to judge each other. They give no benefit but to the people blogging cruel things about other people, presumably just to rack up hits and cancer of the soul.
So here’s Yoplait featuring actresses flipping the camera a middle-finger smile and owning their breast-feeding/not breast-feeding, working/SAHM-ing, dressing down/dressing up rock-star momness.
Awesome, right? Except it’s still for yogurt.
Look, if you dig the milky goo, that’s cool. None of my business. I’ll even spot you a spoon.
But I still have to wonder, exactly how did yogurt become the official food of womanhood?
I imagine there was a marketing meeting sometime in the ’70s.
Way back when some marketing guys got together
Cue wavy finger flashback:
Marketing Guy 1: Women need an Official Food, and they need it yesterday.
Marketing Guy 2: Do men have an Official Food?
Marketing Guy1: Yes. It’s beer and barbecue and chips. Also burgers and sometimes steaks. Or ribs. Heck, let’s just go with a broad Red Meat and Everything That Tastes Good.
Marketing Guy 2: That’s a lot. Do women get a lot of food, too?
Marketing Guy 1: No. Women will get just one thing. They’re smaller.
I know! Yogurt
Marketing Guy 2: My wife likes chocolate.
Marketing Guy 1: Everybody knows about chocolate. And it’s fattening. Women are always watching their weight. So we need something men don’t want AND is low-cal. Or at least something that is low-cal before we put more sugar in it to make it taste any good.
Marketing Guy 2: My wife doesn’t diet.
Marketing Guy 1: Are you sure your wife isn’t a guy?
Marketing Guy 2: Wait! I know. Let’s give them yogurt.
Mommy’s Special Alone Time
Marketing Guy 1: “Yogurt,” you say? Can this “yogurt” be packaged in dainty containers and consumed on a beachside park bench or perhaps in a sculpture garden while soothing music plays in the background?
Marketing Guy 2: Yes! AND eating a spoonful will cause an expression somewhere between guilty delight and Mommy’s Special Alone Time.
Marketing Guy 1: Sold! That’s done. Now let’s go harass a secretary.
Marketing Guy 3: I don’t think they like that.
Marketing Guy 1 and 2: Shut up!
Suzanne Condie Lambert is an Arizona Republic page planner. She has two children who have been warned that Mother’s Day better be freakin’ Christmas.