Today’s dose of parenting sarcasm comes via James Breakwell, a regular contributor to the Indianapolis Star.
In a recent blog post, he waxes poetic on the reality of everyday, common parenting challenges, from bath-time to unexpected homework sessions. You know, the stuff your tiny offspring put you through just because they can.
“Keeping your kid alive takes as much talent and energy as being an elite athlete, but without the fame or fortune.”
And thus, a new rubric is born: The Parenting Olympics
In his column, Breakwell notes that those who stand alone at the top of the podium at the end will be rewarded not with medals, but with naps.
Because. Sleep. Obviously.
Here are five of our favorite “events” in this new Hunger Games for Moms and Dads.
#1: The Dead Lift
As Breakwell notes: The heaviest object in the universe isn’t a black hole. It’s a 2-year-old who doesn’t want to be moved. To win, hoist an uncooperative toddler in the air the most times without breaking your back or any laws of physics.
#2: The Crafting Sprint
Your kid has a big diorama due first thing in the morning, but they didn’t tell you about it until 8 p.m. the night before. Is one night enough time to build the Taj Mahal in a shoe box? It’d better be or your kid will repeat the third grade. Parents will be judged on time, craftsmanship and whether they swear enough.
#3: The Quiet Game
Keep your kid from making a sound in public. The last parent with a silent child wins. No tranquilizer darts allowed.
#4: Skating around tough questions
Your kid asks you where babies come from. To win, say the most words without conveying any actual information. The birds and bees can wait until your kid is out of college.
#5: The marathon
Chase your kids around the house until they get tired, which they won’t. The last parent to collapse from exhaustion wins. This one can be awarded posthumously.