5 changes that really would make Disneyland 'The Happiest Place on Earth'

5 changes that really would make Disneyland 'The Happiest Place on Earth'

Humor

5 changes that really would make Disneyland 'The Happiest Place on Earth'

When Disney recently announced it was demolishing A Bug’s Land in California Adventure to make room for a Marvel-themed area, it was one small setback for preschoolers, one giant leap backward for parents who just needed, like, 20 minutes in the shade sipping a darn beer as if that’s too much to ask?

Credit: Glen Miller/Disneyland

There was nothing great left in Bug’s Land

Unless you’re pushing a stroller and looking for a place to dump its contents, there’s no reason to visit A Bug’s Land unless you miss rides inspired by a 1950s state fair.

The only decent thing about the Bugs area, aka Toddler Distraction Land, was the 4D movie “It’s Tough to be a Bug,” which shut down for good earlier this year.

Make way for Marvel

Knowing that A Bug’s Land will soon be stomped out of existence is great news for anyone who no longer holds their breath to make a point. Even better is that it will be replaced by superheroes and their super attractions.

But the move also brings attention to the fact that while Disneyland is the Happiest Place on Earth, it can still use some adjustments to make it even happier.

Here are 5 fixes to make the park the Happiester Place on Earth:

1.) Apply 21st-century technology to the Matterhorn track

Sliding down a Swiss mountain aboard a bobsled shouldn’t feel like you’re on a mechanical bull. Time to replace the 1960s tubular rails with a track so smooth, Disney can fire the resident chiropractor.

2.) Add a Fastpass line to Peter Pan’s Flight

Not long after Disneyland opens, the ride has a minimum 45-minute wait (and the first people on the ride waited an hour just to get into the park).

It’s a great attraction, but the lengthy queue pits the “Let’s wait” faction against the “No way” party, leading to Peter Pan’s Fight.  

3.) Put a steep drop in It’s a Small World

Despite my many pleas to close an attraction most cloying (getting me a well-earned Twitter block from Disney accounts), Small World’s loyal fans would wear their crayons to the nubs writing angry letters.

Let’s compromise by breaking up the dullness with a 45-mph drop, akin to Splash Mountain. If we have to lose a few creepily gleeful dolls, so be it.

4.) Bulldoze Toontown

The two dimensional are no longer cutting it in a 3D world. Tourism is down, the novelty gags have worn off and urbane decay is settling in.

Time to sell to a more valuable franchise. Maybe Star Wars Land: The Next Generation. No need to post eviction notices. Just put out a few mouse traps.

5.) Sell alcohol

I don’t need to expound on this, right? Because it’s alcohol.

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