I don’t know what that translates to in terms of actual bodies in theaters, but if you’re like me, you are among the hundreds of thousands still traumatized for having to sit through the God-awful “short” that preceded it.
Yes, I am talking about the earworm-worthy abomination that is “Olaf’s Frozen Adventure.” It. Is. Seriously. The. Worst.
I took my two kids, ages 5 and 7, to see a 7 p.m. showing of “Coco” on opening night.
READ MORE: ‘Coco’ director on making the film authentic
Some 40 minutes in, with the start of “Coco” nowhere in sight, this was my daughter’s face.
My son, meanwhile, provided the theater with much-needed comic relief by repeatedly growling and shouting at the screen.
“ANOTHER PREVIEW?!?! OH COME ON!”
Three minutes later:
“How many previews ARE THERE?”
Then, as the “Frozen” so-called short started:
“Ohhh noooo, not another Princess shoooow.”
Fifteen minutes later:
“Mommy, are we in the wrong movie? You said we were seeing ‘Coco,’ not ‘Frozen.’ “
Now, I am a smart parent. I go see kids’ movies in theaters with reserved seats where they serve wine. Because, wine.
But by the time “Coco” actually started, me, my sister-in-law and her sister were almost out of wine, done with dinner, had to pee, and had four super-annoyed whiny kids next to us in the seats.
Why is ‘Olaf’s Frozen Adventure’ so bad? Let me count the ways.
It’s false advertising.
A short is not 21 minutes. A short is 5-7 minutes in my book. Twenty-one minutes is the length of your standard children’s TV program. If I wanted my kids to watch a TV show, I would have stayed home — not paid money to bring them to the theater.
The songs suck.
No really. I think there were four of them and every single one made me bristle with irritation.
The sentiment behind “When We’re Together” is sort of OK, I guess: ‘Cause when we’re together//I have everything on my list, And when we’re together//I have all I wished
But it’s hard to focus on the underlying message of the music when you know that:
It’s a gigantic disney marketing ploy
Shocker: Stores are already chock-full of an entire new line of “Frozen” crap, pegged to the new Disney short. Your daughter already has Elsa and Anna costumes? Oh, guess what? They have WINTER dresses in this film, and they can be yours for the low-low price of $79.95 at disneystore.com.
Want to spend more money? There are playsets, an Olaf snow globe and dolls and pajamas. There’s even a sketchbook ornament that plays music from the mini film (just in case you really want to torture yourself for the holidays.)
It soured me on the entire ‘Frozen’ franchise.
I am not a “Frozen” hater. I loved the original film. I loved the “Frozen Fever” short that played before Cinderella a couple of years ago. They were both endearing, and the latter was appropriately called “a short.”
But this? This abomination made me want to go home and burn all my daughter’s “Frozen” sh**.
Seriously, bonfire people.
And finally: It limited my children’s enjoyment of ‘Coco.’
And this is really the key. “Coco” is truly a wonderful movie. It’s visually stunning, it’s a beautiful story about family and tradition and it’s full of heart.
Unfortunately, our screening didn’t start until 7:45 p.m., which meant my daughter was in my lap and half asleep for the last 20 minutes.
When I posted about how much I hated the “Frozen” short on my Facebook feed, I was flooded with responses from friends who called it “painful,” “awful” and “ridiculous.”
And Twitter is still weighing in on the subject.
Hopefully, Disney is listening.