Dear teachers: Stop assigning me to do my kid's homework

Teachers, you know I have your backs, right?

Because I support the teachers in our classrooms, I feel like I have earned the right to say this:

I have already done my time in school.

Don’t assign me homework.

Especially if it’s the needlessly fussy busy-work kind under the guise of “helping” my child do an assignment.

A friend forwarded a note* this week assigning “the family” to create a model representing a historical scientist. (*A few details have been changed — I don’t want to embarrass anyone.)

The model MUST:

  • Be original (NO DOLLS).
  • Be three-dimensional.
  • And show appropriate hair and clothes.

Photo credit: Getty images
Steal this look.

Because “the family” has been assigned to create the model and because this project appears to require the skills of a senior-level mixed-media art major (remember: NO DOLLS!), I can pretty much guarantee this:

Around 10 p.m. the night before this is due, between 15 and 32 moms are going to be cursing like Tarantino characters at a Pinterest screen trying to figure out how to pull off a perfect yarn chignon on a papier-mache Madame Curie.

I’m not sure how creating an original model (NO DOLLS!!!!!) contributes to better knowledge of science history. Maybe it does. Or maybe dolls just suck all the knowledge right out of your head. We’ve seen “Annabelle,” “Chucky” and “Pinocchio.” They’re clearly supernatural evil.

Photo credit: Republic file
He’s got no strings. And is made of evil.

Kids are the ones who need to learn, right?

Am I lazy? That’s a distinct possibility. But ensuring that the project is so complicated that it requires parents to help (read: “help”) ensures that the people doing most of the learning are the dads who are cutting lab coats out of guest-room pillow cases long after Emma and Ethan have gone to bed.

I’m happy to supervise, encourage and offer guidance. I’m happy to make sure my kid has the tools she needs to do her projects on time and according to directions.

But I have my diploma. My kid’s the one who needs to learn. If projects are so far beyond her skill level that you need to assign parents to take an active role in creating the final, graded product, it’s probably time to re-evaluate.

Thanks for your time. I’m going to go do something else now that is nobody’s business. Because I don’t have homework anymore.

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