Are you a mom?
Are you a mom of a teenage girl?
Are you a mom of a teenage girl who likes to go shopping for clothes?
I hate to tell you this, but you have terrible taste.
I know it’s hard to hear. But you need to know this. You also need to know that it isn’t your fault.
You see, when a daughter turns 13, it triggers a hormone response in her mother that causes Mom (or as she is now called, “Mooooooom”) to helplessly gravitate to the absolute worst thing on the rack, hold it up in front of God, the hot stock clerk and everyone and say, “Hey, this is cute.”
Take this test
Example: Go to Tilly’s at the mall, home of cool-kid ease and the 2-centimeter inseam. Walk up to any rack. Sale. Regular price. Doesn’t matter.
Close your eyes. Now reach out and grab anything.
What are you holding?
That’s right. It’s a full-body fanny pack.
Try it again. What do you have now?
It’s that puffy shirt from “Seinfeld,” but tie-dyed.
And again: Now you have the textile embodiment of the word “moist.”
By about this time the store’s sophisticated Dork Alarm has been activated and security is on its way.
You can’t help it
You are terrible and not to be trusted around clothes.
I know this because I am a mom of a teenage daughter.
Fortunately, through a series of subtle tongue clicks and eye movements, she lets me know that although I watch “Project Runway” on the regular and am never mocked openly in the streets, anything I pick out in a store is literally an oozing slime eel on a hanger.
I have come to accept this about myself. I am at peace.
But I still have to wonder: If my taste is so bad, why do my clothes keep disappearing from my closet and turning up in hers?