Driving home with three girls singing/screaming three different songs — and none of them the one on the radio they demanded I turn up — I am losing my mind.
I will snap, and then I won’t feel affection for my offspring until after binge watching “This is Us” for the third time, probably.
What’s that you say? Simply put on your parenting panties and tell them to shut it? It works. For five minutes. Then, like a torture technique to break me, the humming builds to arena-rock volume.
I need — no — I deserve a middle age with my sanity intact.
I have a few ideas on how to accomplish this. I simply lack the science-y brain and the can-do attitude.
Someone, though, perhaps a parent looking to boost her Pinterest-based business, needs to turn my solid ideas into something actually solid.
The inventive parent could get a movie deal out of it, too, like “Joy.”
You know, that movie starring Jennifer Lawrence about the mom who invented a better mop and became super-rich? You’re welcome.
6 inventions I’m willing pay big bucks for:
A sound-proof limo privacy barrier – for the minivan
Every minivan should come with a sound-proof window that separates the driver from the backseat passengers. With the push of a button, a window rises creating an oasis of silence. But wait, there’s more!
The window can be operated only by the driver. Forget the extra cup holders and electronic-charging stations, I’d drive around on a lawn mower to afford this amenity.
GPS trackers to find missing shoes
We have a place for shoes. I think the fancy name is a “landing area.” Yet on mornings when I’m running late, the shoe thief has stolen a kid’s shoe during the night.
We look under couches, in the car, in bedrooms, the laundry room hamper and everywhere else. Finally, we locate the missing shoe in a place that makes no sense — atop the backyard sprinkler head, for example.
Some similar locator technology needs to be invented for iPad chargers, too.
Self-closing toothpaste cap
I hate to deny the dog because she loves chewing on toothpaste caps, and they give her minty breath. But come on.
No amount of pleading, instruction, demonstration or threats has enabled my very bright kids to put the cap on the toothpaste. Sticky toothpaste is smeared all over the bathroom mirrors, counters and faucet.
I propose someone invent a self-closing toothpaste cap. Think like the slamming, self-closing pool gates that we have here in Arizona. The cap should smack shut after a dab of toothpaste hits the brush.
A guinea pig water bottle – but for kids
“I want a drink of water” is the excuse to get out of bed for the umpteenth time.
What works for my noble guinea pig Phineous should work for my kids, too. We need an inverted, self-serve water bottle that I could attach to my girls’ bunk bed. The kids simply need turn their heads toward their very own self-watering device. Plus, the nifty spinning ball at the end of the water feeder prevents spillage.
Hand-held ‘bee’ alarm
I’m not ready to go on “Shark Tank” with this idea because, well, you’ll see.
My kids fear bees. And for reasons unknown, after we arrive at wherever we’re going, they refuse to get out of the car.
Meanwhile, the ice cream is melting in 2,000-degree Arizona heat, the movie is starting, the school bell has rung, and I have to pee so bad my eyes are crossing.
As the responsible parent, I need to squire my children to safety, which means I ask, ask again, and finally scream at them to: Get. Out. Of. The. Car!
I say combine their unfounded fear of bees — which causes them to move with the speed of a medalist — with a handheld bee alarm that emits the sound of buzzing nearby.
Simply press the bee alarm button and watch the kids run like hell! (This could also work when you’re on that very important phone call and one kid insists on sharing information directly into your free ear that they deem vital to national security. Like when her sister is, despite all prior warnings, using the “good” towels reserved for guests.)
Edible burrito tape
Burritos are always falling apart before you get halfway through. NOT cool. Our weekly burrito dinner falls apart as soon as the burrito does. Enough said.